EXCLUSIVE: Eagles to Hire Texas High School Coach

Friday Night LightsDILLON, Tex. (AP) — The Philadelphia Eagles searched far and wide for their new head coach before finding their man deep in the heart of Texas.

Eric Taylor, head coach of the Dillon High School Panthers, will be named to replace Andy Reid, according to multiple sources.

Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie declined comment, as did Taylor, reached at his home last night. Taylor abruptly hung up the phone when asked whether his extremely attractive wife, Tami, might happen to have a thing for early middle-aged bloggers.

While Taylor lacks the innovative football mind Lurie said he was seeking in his next coach, he is considered a superior motivator, an appealing trait for a team with numerous underperforming, high-priced free agents.

“Anyone who can get the likes of Smash Williams and Tim Riggins to work together and win football games must have something going on,” said a source familiar with Lurie’s thinking.

Several Eagles players, though, expressed skepticism over the reported hiring. None spoke on the record, citing a desire not to be put through extra drills during training camp should Taylor be named officially.

“I mean, come on. ‘Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose’?” said one. “That’s high school stuff. Literally.”

The Eagles’ pursuit of Taylor comes amidst report that a Dillon used car magnate, Buddy Garrity, was working with Panthers boosters to up the coach’s salary in an attempt to persuade him to stay in Texas.

Meanwhile, several Philadelphia-area programs that teach football to women reported an immediate explosion in enrollment. If hired by the Eagles, Taylor would immediately become the hottest coach in the NFL.

“He is a handsome man, I’ll give him that,” said the anonymous Eagle, who quickly added, “No homo.” | DL

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