A *Guaranteed* Way to Lose Weight This Holiday Season

soupEVERYONE KNOWS how difficult it is to maintain healthy habits over the holidays. Parties abound, and overindulgence is practically expected. We tell ourselves that things will change in January, that we’ll right the ship and get to the gym and all that, so we may as well get our calories’ worth in December.

Well, what if I told you I had a sure-fire way to lose weight during the holiday season? With no fancy diets, no expensive workout equipment, no tracking of foods?

Today, friends, is your lucky day.

So here’s what you do:

  1. Get strep throat. No, you might wonder whether the feeling of swallowing glass shards and razor blades mixed with Frank’s Hot Sauce is worth it. DO YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT OR NOT? Look, I can’t help you if you don’t want to help yourself. You have to start with strep.
  2. Make sure your doctor pooh-poohs your protests about the antibiotic he wants to prescribe. When you tell him that your last several attempts to use amoxicillin to clear up infections have failed, you need for him to smile knowingly in that doctory way that says, “Oh, please, you think your recent experience with your own body has any relevance here?,” and then write out the Augmentin ‘script.
  3. Spend the next five days eating nothing but soup, oatmeal, and smoothies, because anything solid–anything–is physically impossible to get down your furiously inflamed gullet, unless you enjoy the sensation of your throat going all Three Mile Island on your ass.
  4. Return to the doctor to show him how extraordinarily miserable and sick you still are and to demand better meds before you cut him. Get weighed and discover you have lost six pounds in five days!

Yes! It’s true! It’s a real plan for real people, and it works.

If it doesn’t, take heart! All you’ve lost is a week with your family, a week of work, a week of holiday shopping, and a week of parties and festiveness. P’shaw, I say–who needs those things anyway?

(Um, I do. Desperately. Please, please, please, Z-Pak, do your job.) | DL

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